littlebitocd ([info]littlebitocd) wrote,
@ 2006-04-24 23:23:00
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Entry tags:tv

Think Globally
Saturday was Earth Day. I did not know. Jon Stewart filled me in today.

"The United States does not have to choose between a strong economy and a clean environment." --G. W. Bush
"YOU'LL HAVE NEITHER AND LIKE IT!!" --Jon Stewart
Gretchen sent me an email full of REALLY corny jokes. My favorite:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
The rest were all pretty terrible.

My two favorite jokes (not from the email):

What is E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
AH HA HA HA HA!

Two fish are in a tank. One fish says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What's your favorite joke? Keep it reasonably clean, don't upset my sensitive father.

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Don't shoot me I'm only the joke teller
[info]kim_s_dad
2006-04-29 09:49 pm UTC (link)
What do you call a cow with no legs??
GROUND BEEF (Where did I get that one)?

***********************************************************************

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I
heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see
things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

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more...
[info]kim_s_dad
2006-04-29 09:53 pm UTC (link)
CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her forehead and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even
more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she
pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious
to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his
window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

(Reply to this)

George Carlin...still making those keen observations....
[info]kim_s_dad
2006-04-29 10:01 pm UTC (link)
COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.


CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.


TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.


And Last but not least.....George Carlin said it best about MARTHA STEWART. ...



"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail."

(Reply to this)

One Tough Golf Course
[info]kim_s_dad
2006-04-29 10:06 pm UTC (link)
The Montana Department of Fish & Wildlife advises American golfers to take extra precautions against bears, while playing on golf courses in the Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little
bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle, the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. For
example, golfers should be able to recognize the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings on the golf course.

Black Bear droppings are smaller, and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.

Grizzly Bear droppings have bells in them, and smell like pepper spray.

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